Sometimes Life Is Like This

Things that happened yesterday:

• Crisp fall air.  The best-hearted group of kids running their hearts out on an exhilaratingly beautiful course.
• Candles, Jesus lifted up, children fussing in the back of the church.
• Finding my way to places without using my smart phone, because it ran out of batteries; no problem.
• Frankie Manning.  He always worms his way into one's day somehow, doesn't he?  Always be ready to swing out.
• A puzzle case with $150 dollars in it.
• Getting back a most-prized, engraved glass stein, only to find it perfectly clear and gleaming.

Things I felt today:

• Caffeine-induced loquaciousness.
• Awkward realization that lunchtime conversation is a lost cause.
• Overwhelmed with ideas for professional things to do.
• Peckish.
• Joyful recognition when I met friends.
• Sinking feeling in the stomach, one to battle, on a too-long drive.
• Relatively normal sense of loneliness.
• Relief when I remembered the ready-made Indian food I had in the cupboard.

4 Reasons a Date Is Just a Date

In my last post, I offered unsolicited advice to men on why and how they should ask women out on dates.  In return, I received feedback that guys are reluctant to ask because they are afraid their intentions will be misconstrued: in fact, they think some women place too much significance on a single date and they don't want to raise false expectations by directly asking for one.

Though I encourage men to reflect on how much of this line of thinking is an excuse versus a reason, at the same time women have to be accountable for our side of the equation.  If we want to have a shared understanding of the dating world, we need to get one thing clear: a date is just a date.  To that end, I have put a short list together of reasons why for the ladies:

1. You Don't Know Him
Except in the rare case in which the man who asks you out is your best friend whom you have known since childhood, you still have a lot to learn about the guy across the dinner table.  A date is simply a structured opportunity to get to know someone better.  Ladies often, and naturally, have dates with each other--and the point of these is not to pressure your acquaintance into becoming your very best friend!  Instead, the purpose is to share thoughts and feelings, to discuss past experiences and future hopes, and generally to get a glimpse into the other's worldview.  The same is true for dates with men.

2. You're Not the Only Girl He Likes
If you've gotten asked out, it's fair to assume the guy likes you.  There is no reason, however, to assume you're the only girl he likes or even the only one he's going on a date with in a given week.  In fact, that's as it should be.  He doesn't know enough about you to decide if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you yet--that's the whole point of dating.  Another thing to keep in mind is that he may or may not be ready to be in an exclusive relationship; you don't know that yet either.

3. He Needs to Earn Your Trust
A big reason not to over-commit early in the dating process is that you're still developing trust in this person.  You need to see how he reacts in different situations over a period of time in order to build that trust, which will be the foundation of any relationship between the two of you.  Your heart needs to stay your own until you have reasonable confidence that he both desires and is worthy of your trust.

4. All He Wants Is a Date
You have to take a man at his word when he asks you out that, actually, all he is asking for is to go out with you.  If he was asking you to marry him, saying, "Will you go out on a date with me Friday night?" would be a very poor choice of words.  Given that all he has committed to is a date, it's up to you to determine the level of physical affection you feel comfortable with, keeping in mind that too much affection too soon can often hinder rather than help you get to know the other person.

I hope my list wasn't disappointingly obvious, but even I can use the reminder at times.  It's very natural for both men and women to get excited about romance and courtship, which is all the more reason to ground ourselves in some social conventions here.  Dating may not be the perfect model, but it can certainly be a practical one.

Asking for That Date

As I covered last month, I love men.  Keep being awesome, guys.  Nevertheless, much as I enjoy the viewpoints of my male friends, I will never cease to give them a hard time about one specific issue: when they don't know whether something is a date.

If you don't know whether something is a date, that means that you have chosen to leave it vague or subject to interpretation.  In some way, however minor, you have failed to state your intentions clearly and you're going into this "one-on-one meeting" without a game plan.

I like game plans.  Most women, in fact, appreciate decisiveness and forethought in men.  A feminine woman will not do the work for you in defining the situation--and why should she?  If she means enough to you, you will step up and make something happen, date-wise.  The longer you don't, the more she will assume you're not really that interested and move on.

Here are some rules of thumb about asking a girl out on a date: you should ask three to four days in advance, you should ask either in person or on the phone, and you should have a specific plan in mind.  When it comes to wording, you should be clear and direct.  Though it seems obvious enough that it's a date when you say something like, "I'd like to take you out for dinner," on the other hand you lose nothing by saying something like the following: "I'd like to take you out on a date.  Are you free for dinner on Saturday?"  This wording leaves no ambiguity.

I would like to say a word about rejection.  Yes, if you ask for dates as straightforwardly as I outline, you risk receiving a "no" in response.  So what?  I believe in you, and I believe that a "no," particularly for a first date, is not going to crush your masculine psyche.  It's not going to feel great, sure, but ultimately it's a calculated risk.  If you take no risks in life, you will reap no rewards.

This post is perhaps one of the most obvious posts I have ever written, but it needed to be said--not just because it benefits me, but because it benefits all single men and women.  There is enough ambiguity in life without extending it to the dating realm.  Let's be clear with each other.

Feminism, Femininity, and the Chapel Veil

In her recent speech on "feminism," Emma Watson noted that it has become something of a dirty or "uncomfortable" word, both to women and to men.  I recall Sheryl Sandberg making a similar point towards the beginning of Lean In.  Why might it be that women hesitate to identify themselves as feminists?

It can't be simply the angry, militant, "man-hating" feminists of times past tarnishing the image of feminism in the modern world: today's millennials weren't alive to witness 1970s feminism and the current culture is notoriously history-deaf.  Instead, the problem lies with the aims of feminism--not radical feminism but ordinary, everyday feminism--itself.

Watson proclaims in her speech that all feminism strives for is equality.  We must believe, in order to be good feminists, that absolute equality between men and women is possible.  Yet, though no one with a sane mind questions that men and women are both human persons with equal dignity, it's just as obvious that men and women are not exactly the same.  One reason many are unwilling to march under the banner of feminism is that the idea of eradicating all gender differences is not seen as plausible, much less desirable.

One other problem with feminism I see is that it gives women complete control over the sphere termed "reproductive rights."  If, in fact, an unborn child were an integral part of a woman's body, this control would make sense--no one other than a woman herself should be able to dispose of or affect her body in any way. Indeed, her body, the body of a woman, should be seen as sacred and treated with reverence, never violence.  

Nevertheless, a child, no matter how nascent, is not part of a woman's body and does not fall under her "right to choose." This child has both a mother and a father, who are both responsible for its care and well-being; even if the father chooses to abdicate his responsibility, the child does not thereby become the sole "property" of the mother, for a human person cannot be property at all.  That any human person cannot be property seems inherent in the foundations of feminism, yet unfortunately the axiom is ignored in practice and in the common aims of the feminist movement.

On the other hand, while "feminism" might be seen as unattractive, the word "femininity" is often seen as oppressive.  In fact, in certain communities, a warped and "cookie-cutter" idea of femininity can develop, such that any girl or woman who falls outside the mold feels a great sense of alienation and even ostracization.  In its best sense, however, femininity is a concept that embraces the unique gifts that women have to offer, without placing limitations on their achievements.  Femininity ought to be the healthy counterpart to feminism, not seeking to eliminate all differences between the sexes but rather embracing these differences wherever and whenever they pertain; femininity is the movement that allows a woman to feel happy simply being a woman, rather than seeking happiness in a self-concept that allows for no difference between men and women.

How does the chapel veil come into this discussion?  Veiling relates directly to femininity, to the idea that a woman is special and set-apart, and to the idea of reverence.  As a tradition and devotion, the chapel veil or mantilla is worn by a woman in the presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament--in the presence of the Holy of Holies, she covers her head.  Though it is a sign of reverence to God, the veil is also a reminder of the special reverence that should be paid to women. After all, it was a woman, Mary, who bore Jesus in her womb, making her a living tabernacle and a sign of God's presence to all the ages.  Thus, the veil is both a devotion, an aid to prayer, and a visible sign of femininity in the church.

We find ourselves back in a very uncomfortable place, though, because, though we might reject feminism for its goal of absolute, unqualified equality, we still might not like the idea of femininity enough to wear a doily on our head in support of it.  (Or we might not believe in God at all, which is another matter.)  The point is not the chapel veil itself--a beautiful, yet optional tradition--but whether women are happy being "just" women.  Though we might recognize the roots, biological and otherwise, of the very real differences between men and women, we might not have made our peace with these differences enough to be content with them.  Nevertheless, the point of femininity is not that men should do certain things and women should do certain other things.  The point is that being a woman is enough.

UPDATE--I just found this lovely video about the chapel veil:
 

Harvesttime

What we planted in the spring,
What began to sprout with hope,
We failed to water.

What withered in the summer,
Was by us in the dog days,
Totally uprooted.

Now how can we look back,
Upon our little shoot,
And wish for harvest?

We destroyed what we planted,
We killed what we hoped for,
So no fruit is ours.

Being Alone

I've stumbled upon another paradox of life!  Here it goes . . .

Are we ever truly alone?  No, never, we have been created in the image and likeness of God and He sustains us in existence at every moment, never leaving us by ourselves; as Psalm 139 declaims, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there." Additionally, we each have a guardian angel sent by God to protect us, as well as the intercession of the saints, especially our Blessed Mother.  Yet . . .

Is it important that we feel alone? Yes!  Without the experience of loneliness and desolation, we forget to turn to God.  We forget to look for Him, because we fool ourselves into thinking we don't need Him.  We have friends; we have family; we have all these people, things, sound, and excitement around us.  So how do we experience that feeling of being alone? We have to shut off our phones, our social media, our music-playing devices and embrace solitude and silence. We have to be by ourselves, even though, ultimately, we're not by ourselves.

I'm not saying I'm good at it.  I'm saying it's important.

Odd Blister Situation

Hard to know how this happened--I blame a faulty liner in my shoe--but while dancing Sunday night, I developed a blister on the bottom of my second toe on my right foot.  It got worse when I went for a 45-minute run yesterday (one of the longest runs ever in my entire life, but it felt good), and then it became a lovely pink open blister and I limped around my apartment yesterday evening.  I don't like putting Band-Aids on blisters, so I'm just waiting for it to heal up today and not going running.

Finding Images

This blog post is a post about finding images to use on your blog or website that don't violate copyright law.

Step 1: Go to Google Advanced Image Search.  How?  Either Google "Advanced Image Search" or just use the link.

Step 2: In the last box, "usage rights," click the drop-down and select whichever one is appropriate for your use, such as "free to use and share," for non-commercial sharing.

Step 3: Do your search and find some images!

How Important Is the Mass?

Here is a common objection against the Tridentine (or Extraordinary Form) Mass and those who go to it: there are so many problems and needs in the Church today, including evangelization, catechesis, social justice, etc., that it doesn't make sense to place so much emphasis on and invest so much energy in the liturgy.

To be clear, this objection can come from those who have a strong prayer life and habitual devotion to God, so a pat answer about adjusting one's priorities doesn't solve it.  My question in response, though, is, "Why do we have to choose?"

Why do we have to choose between having a beautiful, solemn liturgy and having a mission to evangelize the world?  Why do we have to choose between taking part in the call to social action and being a member of a traditional parish?  In fact, do we have to choose between these extremes at all?

I wonder if, instead of listening to God's call, we're allowing stereotypical categories to pigeonhole us into the kind of Catholics we are.  We're evangelical, charismatic Catholics, so that means we needn't bother with Latin or all those small-t traditions. We're traditional Catholics, so let's forget all that social justice stuff and solidarity with the poor. We're mainstream Catholics, so let's not get too invested in any one thing. Why do we have to choose?

I hate labels. I have yet to find a case wherein labeling someone as a certain "kind" of Catholic is beneficial to the community in general. Personally, I go to an FSSP (Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter, hence Latin Mass) parish, but I don't feel the need to call myself a traditional Catholic or "traddie," and it vaguely bothers me when people categorize me in that way.

At the same time, I obviously feel a certain solidarity with the members of my parish, many of whom act in the stereotypical ways that "traddies" are supposed to act--but these are my brothers and sisters. If you're Catholic, they're your brothers and sisters too.  So you might rail against traditionalists and I might (though you'll never find me doing it) rail against praise and worship-y charismatics, but what does that achieve? Who are we helping by stereotyping our brothers and sisters in Christ?

To try to wend our way back to the main topic of this post, I hope that we can center the question of how important the Mass is in our lives squarely in our personal prayer life and our relationship with God, without reference to our brothers and sisters, who we must assume are doing their best to follow God's call in their lives.   Each person's relationship with God is unique and beautiful, and He whispers in each of our ears invitations meant for us alone.

We must be open to exploring how God wants us to worship, adore, thank, praise, and petition Him in the Mass, particularly in the Sunday liturgy.  We cannot fear the unfamiliar or set up barriers between ourselves and other Catholics next to us in the pews of whatever Mass we attend.  Rather than choosing a label, let us choose to give God the very best and trust Him to make of us what He wills.

Happy Endings

I fail to see the beauty of a failed romance. To me, if the people don't end up together, it's not beautiful or romantic.  It's kind of sad and pathetic.  Either they didn't know themselves well enough or the other person well enough, or basically it was some convoluted tale of human choice gone awry and emotions getting the best of everything, and to me that's the antithesis of the good.  A good love story is when people overcome challenges to grow in love and virtue and they end up committed in the sacrament of matrimony, striving to love each other and love God more every day.

Jar Musings

Looking at some jars, I started to wonder: if a dead bug were in your pasta sauce, how would you ever know?

Negativity

The best thing to do when you're feeling negative is to spill it all over the Internet.  Oh wait, no, that's actually not right.

Introducing Yourself to the Latin Mass

The Mass is like a pool of water, crystal clear and deep.  If you pay attention only to the surface, you will mainly see your own reflection.  On the other hand, if you look down into the water, you will behold the treasures in its depths.

If you've never been to the Latin Mass, the best thing you can do to prepare for it is to go to your regular Mass--but don't go like you always go, sort of glazed over and half-steeling yourself for whatever irritating thing the priest might say or do.  Instead, go prepared to peer into the depths of the mystery before you.  What is happening when the priest moves to the altar or says a particular prayer?  What does the order of the prayers and the readings in the Mass mean?  Ponder these things in prayer.

Then, when you go to the Latin Mass, do the same.  Carefully observe what goes on at the altar of sacrifice.  Realize that each movement the priest makes has a meaning, that each prayer (no matter how incomprehensible the language might be to you) falls in a specific place and serves a specific purpose in light of the Mystery of Christ's self-immolation.  I don't recommend that you follow your hand missal or red paperback pew missal slavishly for your first time.  Rather, recollect that the Mass you attend in Latin, in the older (extraordinary) form, is simply the first standardized liturgy, the one from which the Mass you attend in your parish originates.

As you actively watch and take in the Mass in the Extraordinary Form, it is handy to keep in mind some specifics.  First of all, you must be aware that the majority of the prayers in this form of the Mass are pronounced in a low voice or silently by the priest.  You might miss the exact beginning of Mass, because the Introductory Rites start at the foot of the altar and continue for some time (and when first the priest, then the altar boys, bow for an extended period, it is when each in turn are praying the Confiteor, the "I confess to almighty God," which you too may pray along with the altar boys who recite it for you).  When in doubt, make the Sign of the Cross.

After the Kyrie, Gloria, and Collect (introductory prayer), the priest will proclaim one reading, in either the Old or New Testament, depending on the season, and then a psalm verse, which either the choir will sing or the priest will recite; after that, all will stand for the Gospel, which will be proclaimed from the opposite side of the altar.  According to custom, the reading and Gospel may be repeated in English before the homily.  The Creed will follow the homily and then immediately the Offertory: the Offertory prayers will take some time and you may either read them along with the priest or interiorly bring your gifts to the altar and prepare yourself for the transubstantiation about to occur at the priest's fingertips.

When the choir sings (or the priest recites) the Sanctus, you know the Eucharistic Prayer is beginning--if it is the choir singing, the priest will silently begin the Eucharistic Prayer underneath the chant.  When the bell rings once, it is the moment just before the Consecration, the "Hanc igitur," at which point you must focus your attention on the Lord.  After the Consecration, the rest of the Mass is taken up with preparing for the Holy Communion.  If you are to receive Communion, you will go up and kneel at the communion rail, tilt your head up, open your mouth and slightly stick out your tongue; the priest will pray that the Body of Jesus Christ preserve your soul unto eternal life as he places the Host on your tongue, and will supply your "Amen" so you may remain silent and receptive.

These are just a few thoughts that might help you prepare yourself to go to your first Tridentine Mass, and I hope you find them helpful.  By no means are they an exhaustive review of the Mass, nor do they show you how to use a hand missal effectively (something you will either have to muddle through on your own or, better, get a knowledgeable friend to sit with you at Mass and help you) or explain at any length the beautiful prayers of the Mass.  There are riches here that will take you more than one experience to discover.  I believe that anyone who comes to the older form of the Mass with an open mind and a prayerful heart will come to understand its beauty and timelessness, so please do give it a chance!

Men Are Great

Every now and then, I find an irony in something commonly passed over and it makes me both laugh and think.  One example, most recently, is in the fact that single women often inveigh against the state of men in our culture, which brings about a self-fulfilling defeatism on the question of "whether there are any good men left."  In fact, why should there not be at least as many good men as there are good women?

I suppose one could give plenty of answers as to why: that men are besieged on all sides by pornography, that the culture expects less of them due to feminism, etc.  I don't know if any of these answers are so much answers as they are excuses.  They are excuses women make for themselves for why they aren't finding anyone to marry (or, if married, why their husbands don't act the way they want), unilaterally blaming men for a problem that has two sides.

In fact, men and women can't easily get along.  One cultural problem that DOES come to bear on this matter is the continual downplaying of sexual differences, leading many to believe that the differences between the sexes are minimal and largely unimportant.  However strongly we may adhere to traditional values, this sense of "men and women really aren't that different" probably still has affected us, both men and women, in the interpersonal sphere of our lives.  So we underestimate how difficult it is to get along with each other and how small problems can easily become big ones due to these differences.

When it comes to dating relationships, these differences also play a huge role in why women become (or are tempted to become) embittered towards men: women expect a level of consideration from men that is almost impossible for them to provide, especially at the beginning of the relationship.  Don't mistake me, I am not saying that women should expect men to behave badly towards them--quite the reverse!  What I am saying is that women expect men to be like women in how they form friendships, instantly to begin a pattern of mutual self-giving in which giving on one side begets even more giving on the other side.

Unfortunately, men do not approach relationships this way.  In a nascent relationship with a woman, a man takes a woman's generosity and gift as an indication that he is doing great and should change nothing, not as a challenge to give more himself.  I don't know why that is--probably there is some psychological explanation--but it is what I have seen, time and time again.  So naturally generous women become frustrated with men for simply behaving in a way that is natural to them and that, from the outside, may make it seem that men are "naturally selfish."

If I had found a solution to this problem, the likelihood is that I would not be writing this post at all.  Actually, the whole thing mystifies me.  But my point, and why I titled the post "Men Are Great" is that I don't think men are to blame for problems in relationships, broken hearts, etc.  I think that it's just hard for men and women, respectively, to put themselves in the other sex's shoes, so to speak.  We expect different things and we behave in patterns that are so ingrained that it is hard to tell even that we are doing it. 

Women need to expect more from men, not less, to believe that there are plenty of "great guys" out there, not just the ones that our friends have already married; most of all, women need to STOP giving, making excuses, and settling for behavior that they instinctively feel is less than what they deserve.  What men need to do I don't even know, but I do know there are a lot of great ones out there, so there is no need for women to have a cynical attitude about the other sex--that's not going to help anything.

Misplaced Confidence

Misplaced confidence in another person, when discovered to be misplaced, leads to adjustments.

Thank You

Those two simple words can reorient your life: "thank you."  It's often noted that it is much easier to bitch and moan than to have a truly grateful attitude, and that choosing the easier route will make your life a huge burden of negativity, but somehow it failed to escape me how much others need gratitude and appreciation.

Yesterday, on a FB friend's wall, I saw written, "A person who feels appreciated will always do more than what is expected."  That made me realize how much thanks can mean to other people--which sounds obvious, but honestly, I don't particularly expect or care about being thanked for what I do (though I do like it), so it might not occur to me to be as outwardly grateful to others for what they do.  In fact, making an effort to thank people also CREATES an attitude of gratitude in oneself: saying "thank you" reminds you to be inwardly thankful as a general principle.

Ultimately, Christians should say, "Deo gratias," thanks be to God, but that doesn't come out of thin air.  We don't instinctively say thank you to God for all the gifts (and crosses) he sends us, because we are fallen human beings and more focused on ourselves than on anything else.  "Does this please me?  Well, it is only my due."  That is the selfish, instinctive attitude that being grateful overcomes.  How to start overcoming?  Just say thanks!

Toilet Paper and Procrastination

I procrastinate a lot of things, but I don't like to call myself a procrastinator.  First of all, it's a negative term, defining me by a weakness which I do, occasionally, try to overcome.  Secondly, I don't think it's entirely accurate, because, though I sometimes do procrastinate day-to-day things (bills, getting gas, etc.) for the thrill of it, I don't procrastinate everything.  I have my limits.  For instance, one thing I never procrastinate is buying toilet paper.  This fact leads me to consider that priorities are really the answer to the procrastination problem.  In order to do something NOW, rather than put it off, I have to have a healthy sense of urgency about it.  For a lot of things in my life, unfortunately, that urgency is lacking.  I just need to remember: toilet paper.

Sarcasm

Normally, I don't allow myself to be sarcastic, but when I do, I can be really sarcastic.  Really.

Pleasure

There is no real sense in which you are "owed" any pleasure, great or small, and it is a very dangerous line of thinking to believe (or even entertain the thought) that you are.  Also, it is very common.  Much in modern life causes agony, and a lot of conventional wisdom would have us believe that if something bad happens to us, we must drown ourselves in pleasures to distract/overcome that thing.  We all know that doesn't work.

Still, maybe we cling to the thought that, if there is a scoresheet of pains and pleasures, if we experience a great pain in our life, we ought to have a little pleasure here and there--maybe even a big pleasure, maybe even something that we reorient our lives to get.  This thought is illusory.  In fact, true happiness is based on living our lives on the basis of the good and the real--and not on the basis of what brings us pleasure.

The thing to do when we experience a sorrow that overclouds our life is to stay on course.  Stay steady and trust in a Mercy that provides for you way more than your (largely futile) search for this or that pleasure will yield.  Open yourself to what suffering can teach, because realizing that living a good life will sometimes naturally (and not as a result of mistakes or sin on your part but just because you are trying to be good and seek the good) cause you to suffer can really make you think.  Is pleasure really what life is about when it passes away and your soul does not?

Can't Wait

My perpetual condition is like a kid who starts counting down to Christmas in October (which is, in fact, what I did as a child).  I just can't wait!  Today I told a four-year-old, "You should find something else to do besides sit and wait for the melty beads, because if you just sit there and watch you make the other kids feel uncomfortable and it just makes the waiting seem longer and you get impatient."  Despite not quite being able to pronounce the word "impatient," the kid got the point.  Only later--now--do I realize that what I was trying to teach this child is something I myself need to learn.  I must wait.  Whether I like it or not, things will not be ready right when I want them, the light won't turn green any faster if I tap my foot, and sitting and staring and hoping for something to be ready faster only makes others uncomfortable.

Trads please . . .

My dear fellow traditional Mass-goers, I love you, but please: can we stop driving people away from the Mass we love?  In what universe does it make sense to go around condemning other Catholics as modernist instead of reaching out to them in love?  And there is no need for us to be the modesty police . . . police your eyes, sure, but let people figure it out from the way you dress that they should also dress respectfully. 

Also, let's not close off dialogue by being, frankly, impolite in the way we express opinions.  When I was in college and had conversations with my friends, we would just go ahead and assert something and wait for someone else to argue the point and then use our superior knowledge to prove them wrong.  This may have been appropriate for undergraduates at a liberal arts college, but in most normal settings it is considered rude: you ask questions and listen to another person rather than telling him what he should think.  You don't know everything.  He may know even less than you, sure, but firstly, how do you know how much he does or doesn't know if you don't listen to him?  Secondly, would he be at all likely to listen to what you have to say if you deliver it with (what is perceived as) a superior attitude?

Finally, don't be misogynist.  I like to think this problem is more rare, but I won't fool myself into thinking it doesn't exist.

Heartache

The silent killer

Everything happy turns sad when you can't share it with the one you love

Past and Present

The relationship of the past to the present is interesting.  I've been thinking that my relationship to the past, as mediated by my shoddy memory, is a bit lacking.  It can be useful, and it's generally seen as virtue, to move on and not get stuck in the past--but you do lose a bit if that is your natural mode.  For instance, right now I'm really needing to remember things that very much pertain to my present, yet they fade.  So I'm in the interesting position of trying to keep memories vivid for the sake of the present moment, to live in the present moment more fully by also entering into the (somewhat recent) past.  It's a paradox.  We often have to live in the paradox.

"I miss you more each day"

I had heard this phrase and always assumed it was just a form of speech, not something literally true.

Don't Speak from a Place of Fear

I have two other things to share that I have recently learned.  One is that it is critical not to speak from a place of fear.  It's also surprisingly hard to do.  Fears and insecurities creep up on one, even when everything is seemingly going fine.  The other thing I have learned is that it is way too easy to be selfish.  This one is a very subtle point, as well.  In general, I thought I had a habit of generosity, but I am realizing more and more how often I fail really to put myself in the other's place, to imagine what he might be going through, etc.  I am fine with day to day things, but the really hard stuff, that's where I come up against my selfishness.  Ah well, it's humbling.

Learning a Lot

Right now, I feel, is a time of intense learning.  I am learning a lot about myself, and about how the expression "love till it hurts" isn't really just a cliché.  I have also learned by heart the code for the e with the acute accent (é)--it is ALT-0233!  I'm also having fun, as always!  The crazier, more ridiculous, matters get, the more important it is to laugh.  We'll see what else I learn in the coming months!

Why Do I Want You?

Why do I want food, or water, or a warm coat in winter?
Why do I smile at a sunny day?
Why, even when we quarrel, is there a lightness in my heart,
A hope, that even in the darkest times
All will be well?

Why do my usual ways of changing,
Hedging, and taming my thought patterns
Never work with you?
You are always in my thoughts;
I am hemmed in and never alone.

Why do I laugh at your jokes,
A laugh that I cannot restrain,
Even if I try to restrain it, even if
My heart is broken and hurting?

Why, then, is just a question,
Without a resolution, an explanation,
A satisfactory conclusion, tying
Together all points of the plot.

Idiot

Right now I feel like an idiot.

I'm the Same

I stumbled across my blog from over ten years ago, and though it was definitely the work of a teenager, it surprised me how much I am the same person now as I was then.  It was sad to read the bits about my family, so unbroken at that point.  It was funny to read the weird, personal details I had chosen to share about myself.  It's still me, though.  I've grown up (gotten prettier, I think, and grown intellectually as well as emotionally and spiritually), but the basic material is the same.