Men Are Great

Every now and then, I find an irony in something commonly passed over and it makes me both laugh and think.  One example, most recently, is in the fact that single women often inveigh against the state of men in our culture, which brings about a self-fulfilling defeatism on the question of "whether there are any good men left."  In fact, why should there not be at least as many good men as there are good women?

I suppose one could give plenty of answers as to why: that men are besieged on all sides by pornography, that the culture expects less of them due to feminism, etc.  I don't know if any of these answers are so much answers as they are excuses.  They are excuses women make for themselves for why they aren't finding anyone to marry (or, if married, why their husbands don't act the way they want), unilaterally blaming men for a problem that has two sides.

In fact, men and women can't easily get along.  One cultural problem that DOES come to bear on this matter is the continual downplaying of sexual differences, leading many to believe that the differences between the sexes are minimal and largely unimportant.  However strongly we may adhere to traditional values, this sense of "men and women really aren't that different" probably still has affected us, both men and women, in the interpersonal sphere of our lives.  So we underestimate how difficult it is to get along with each other and how small problems can easily become big ones due to these differences.

When it comes to dating relationships, these differences also play a huge role in why women become (or are tempted to become) embittered towards men: women expect a level of consideration from men that is almost impossible for them to provide, especially at the beginning of the relationship.  Don't mistake me, I am not saying that women should expect men to behave badly towards them--quite the reverse!  What I am saying is that women expect men to be like women in how they form friendships, instantly to begin a pattern of mutual self-giving in which giving on one side begets even more giving on the other side.

Unfortunately, men do not approach relationships this way.  In a nascent relationship with a woman, a man takes a woman's generosity and gift as an indication that he is doing great and should change nothing, not as a challenge to give more himself.  I don't know why that is--probably there is some psychological explanation--but it is what I have seen, time and time again.  So naturally generous women become frustrated with men for simply behaving in a way that is natural to them and that, from the outside, may make it seem that men are "naturally selfish."

If I had found a solution to this problem, the likelihood is that I would not be writing this post at all.  Actually, the whole thing mystifies me.  But my point, and why I titled the post "Men Are Great" is that I don't think men are to blame for problems in relationships, broken hearts, etc.  I think that it's just hard for men and women, respectively, to put themselves in the other sex's shoes, so to speak.  We expect different things and we behave in patterns that are so ingrained that it is hard to tell even that we are doing it. 

Women need to expect more from men, not less, to believe that there are plenty of "great guys" out there, not just the ones that our friends have already married; most of all, women need to STOP giving, making excuses, and settling for behavior that they instinctively feel is less than what they deserve.  What men need to do I don't even know, but I do know there are a lot of great ones out there, so there is no need for women to have a cynical attitude about the other sex--that's not going to help anything.

Misplaced Confidence

Misplaced confidence in another person, when discovered to be misplaced, leads to adjustments.