Monday, April 18, 2016

4 Infallible Keys to a Perfect Relationship

In keeping with my time-honored tradition of valuable relationship advice, I bring you the secrets to a successful relationship. Everyone needs them, after all!

  1. Stop fighting. You know those knock-down, drag-out, emotionally exhausting fights you keep having every so often (i.e. weekly)? Stop doing that. Also, don't "fight," which is like a fight except for it has quotation marks; you know why.
  2. Eat meals together. Studies have shown that it's easier to be contented after a full meal, especially one that your significant other pays for--so don't be too hasty about reaching for that check!
  3. Physical contact. No, the usual hugging, kissing, unprintable, etc. doesn't cut it here. I suggest martial arts or dancing, preferably both. At the same time.
  4. Laugh with your partner! This is a good opportunity to set aside social norms and societal conventions: laugh inappropriately. The best kind of laughter is either at an inappropriate time, place, or level of volume. Use your best judgment but your entire relationship is basically on the line.
Any more suggestions from my readers? Include in the comments. If you have a burning question, ask your doctor.