4 Infallible Keys to a Perfect Relationship

In keeping with my time-honored tradition of valuable relationship advice, I bring you the secrets to a successful relationship. Everyone needs them, after all!

1. Stop fighting. You know those knock-down, drag-out, emotionally exhausting fights you keep having every so often (i.e. weekly)? Stop doing that. Also, don't "fight," which is like a fight except for it has quotation marks; you know why.
2. Eat meals together. Studies have shown that it's easier to be contented after a full meal, especially one that your significant other pays for--so don't be too hasty about reaching for that check!
3. Physical contact. No, the usual hugging, kissing, unprintable, etc. doesn't cut it here. I suggest martial arts or dancing, preferably both. At the same time.
4. Laugh with your partner! This is a good opportunity to set aside social norms and societal conventions: laugh inappropriately. The best kind of laughter is either at an inappropriate time, place, or level of volume. Use your best judgment but your entire relationship is basically on the line.

Any more suggestions from my readers? Include in the comments. If you have a burning question, ask your doctor.

The Surprising Onslaught of Dishonorable Behavior with Regard to Dating

After a recent event, I was having a conversation with a friend about how I have a tendency to sprinkle the words "my boyfriend" into conversation with other men, in order to give them a correct impression of my availability.

"You know," she said, "Some men will hear that and think, 'Challenge accepted!'" Sure enough, the next day, I received an email from a man I had danced with once during the event, asking if we could go dancing again.

This kind of behavior leaves me completely puzzled.

Since this occurrence happened within my Catholic circles, I can't really excuse it by any apparent lack of clarity in the statement, "I'm dating someone." If there isn't, there really ought to be, a shared understanding of what that means--particularly in this day and age when the general culture is so reluctant to name any kind of relationship as a "thing."

Also, I just can't imagine actively seeking out someone who has made it known that she or he is in a relationship with somebody else! It's not the first time this has happened to me, but I've never understood it. Are you trying to test my loyalty? If so, do you want me to fail the test?

In a conversation with a different friend, we discussed the phenomenon of infidelity in marriage: in real life, as opposed to in Nicholas Sparks novels, it never leads to a happy ending. As my friend put it, if you make the choice to cheat, you're lowering your standards to the kind of person who wants you to be a cheater. You're basically saying, "I want someone who is willing to put morals aside for the sake of emotional satisfaction."

It's not particularly surprising in the broader culture, I suppose, but to me it is surprising to find that approach to fidelity among Catholic friends and acquaintances. We're meant to be set apart, to be an example for others, not to tempt others to flakiness and lack of resolution, not to mention sinful behavior.

Though dating is by no means the same thing as marriage, we should support our friends who are seeking to discern through their dating relationships, just as we should support our friends discerning religious life or priesthood: rather than seeking to tempt them away from the path they have chosen, we should seek to confirm them and shelter them so that they may be free to answer God's call in their lives.

Longs Peak

Yesterday, I and a couple of friends scaled Longs Peak. Since then, many people have asked me, "How was it?" I haven't figured out a good answer to this question.

There are many things I could say, but the best way to sum it up is this: I lost my sandwich.

When I woke up yesterday at the bright and early hour of 12:15 a.m., I made myself one of the most delicious sandwiches I've ever made for a 14er hike. It was sharp cheddar cheese, cream cheese, a little butter, and some spring greens all on some crusty asiago cheese bread. Yum.

Little did I know that when I got to the summit, I would not have the appetite to eat my most wonderful sandwich. That hasn't happened before. I ate a few bites, but that was all I could manage.

Later on, descending the trail/sheer rocky face of the mountain, I tried eating some more. I think I ate about half of it or maybe a little more in all. I thought I might be able to have some later.

After what seemed like an eternity (really only fourteen hours), we got back to the trailhead. I have never been so glad to see a parking lot in my life. I reached into my pack to find the large Ziploc bag with sandwich in it, but it was gone. I had left it behind somewhere on the trail.

I guess you could say that I had an unprecedented experience yesterday: I failed to pack out my trash and wasted almost half of a perfectly good sandwich. My lack of awareness that I was doing these things says it all.

To close, here's a picture of me on the summit of Longs:

The Disingenuous Nature of Proclaiming How Happy You Are Being Single

If I read another article about how wonderful it is to dine alone, I think I'm going to puke my Chipotle burrito.

Basically, I have come to loathe any and all articles saying how great it is to be single, how you shouldn't wait to find a partner in order to have a good time, how you should buy your own fine china instead of imagining your wedding registry, how blessed you are to be unencumbered by babies, etc. The thing about these articles is that they all have important kernels of truth and are accompanied by generous helpings of self-satisfaction: live the life you have, not the one you wish you had! Seize the moment! Go buy things and take selfies!

On the other hand, they're all bullshit.

The reason this is so is because partial truth is more subtle than outright lies. In fact, there are lots of "perks" to being single. However, there is no perk so great that the ultimate unhappiness of being unmarried and without a family of your own is overcome. What I'm saying is: you're all unhappy, so just admit it.

I, for one, have given up thinking that there's something wrong with me just because at times I feel completely miserable about being single. I think this is normal, and its very normalcy is comforting. It's natural to want to have a family of your own, instead of live in a rented house, no matter how adorable, with a roommate who, though fabulous, will never substitute for a significant other.

It's completely understandable to come home from a beautiful experience of nature or an amazingly fun party with friends and feel SO VERY ALONE. It's understandable to feel alone, because you are alone.

And that's what I think our culture doesn't get anymore: objective truth is way more comforting than a bunch of touchy-feely nonsense designed to make you feel better for the moment. Sometimes, like in Inside Out, the truth is that you're sad. The truth is that it's okay to be sad.

So yeah, embrace the upsides of your single life. Don't mope. That much is obvious. But please, PLEASE don't tell me how wonderful it is to be single, how you're not waiting to get married, how you're not looking around seeing if there's anyone you can date who might even remotely work as a potential spouse.

I just don't believe you.

Repurpose Your Social Media

Having recently joined a fairly prominent dating website, I can't help but think what I usually think when I have buyer's remorse: "Why did I pay for something that I could get for free?"

In fact, what am I doing on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. (assuming I'm on any of these--except you all know I'm on the first one) if I'm not using them to my advantage, dating-wise?

After all, what is a dating site but a site where you make random connections with people, send them "smiles" or other basically affirming messages designed to give the other person the knowledge that, in fact, you think of them as a human being that you might actually spend time with, at least in theory?

Why not use social media for that? It's all there, at your fingertips: the ability to "like" someone's posts or pictures, send them public or private messages, comment on relevant details to their lives (at least their lives as displayed online), etc.

You could even ask someone out. It's a daring concept, I know.

Still, what do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing, because it's completely free! It's like going running, something you probably should be doing anyway, costs nothing, and basically you just need to go do it. (And some people hate running, so maybe the metaphor extends in ways that I haven't fully explored.)

I think that's all I've got for now. Carry on!

Are you being entertained?

Life is not boring. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Actually, that's true. We are constantly bombarded with media that stimulate our senses and cause us to think that the normal, slow pace of life is "boring" rather than rich with possibility. Since we cannot wait for the next exciting or amusing thing, we rush to find something to entertain us.

Sometimes when I find myself antsy, dissatisfied, apathetic, etc., I ask myself this simple question: are you being entertained? This question helps me refocus and laugh at myself. What is the purpose of my life anyway? Are the people around me brought to me for entertainment's sake? Is the work I do meant to amuse me and help me while away the hours until I die?

No!

Life has a much greater purpose than the passive, ambition-killing notion of "being entertained." I need to remember it and focus on it, rather than letting acedia have free reign in me.

Homophobia

You say that I trample upon your rights, and that I do it because I am homophobic. My ideas of right and wrong are no more than an invention designed to justify my interior repulsion either to you or to the acts with which you identify most.

Let's say, for a moment, that you're right. Let's leave aside thousands of years of intellectual tradition and say that the idea of an objective moral order is something I adopted simply to be able to say to you that I don't like your way of life. Why would I do it?

Why would I even bother to challenge you not to do something so clearly desirable to you? Out of some kind of ingrained mean-spiritedness? If each of our lives is only an attempt to make us happy in the present moment, what kind of sick happiness am I deriving out of this situation?

Is it because I'm just that disgusted? My life is apparently ruled by disgust. I want to go on the record and say that the idea that I am somehow motivated by disgust at the kind of sexual acts you do presupposes that I both take an interest in and actively imagine them--which I most certainly do not.

Why would I pick this moment to speak up, this moment after the Supreme Court of the United States has already answered in your favor? Just to go on record as being bigoted? Not very smart, if you know the history of bigotry and prejudice.

Shouldn't I be motivated by self-interest and self-preservation? If I'm aiming at making my life the smoothest, easiest, and most conflict-free possible, shouldn't I keep my mouth shut about this issue? It's already been decided anyway in the courts. What's the point of, once again, bringing religion into it when it's not wanted?

The point is that it's not about me, and it's not about you. The truth is very personal, but at the same time it convicts each of us equally of wrongdoing. I have done wrong in my life, committed deeds that I looked back upon with shame. This truth is personal. The wrong things I have done, however, have been done by others--and regretted by them. That is the objective side of it, the human law that is greater than any pronouncement of the Supreme Court.

The epilogue that I most want to add, and that everyone least wants to hear, is that forgiveness for the wrong things we do is REAL. Love is real. In fact, we can only find love when we face up to the truth, when we seek forgiveness for whatever acts we committed that cause us shame, admitting them but at the same time not letting them define us.

We all need forgiveness. There's no earthly exception to this rule. We need mercy, God's mercy, so desperately that we fear it is a fairy tale designed to tease us, something so bright and sparkly that people can only imagine it is real not actually receive it as a gift. It's real. At the core of reality is a love so deep that it chases us, he chases us, even into our darkest moments.

That's what I want for you--and what I want for myself. If I stand up for right and wrong, for an objective morality, it's so that all of us can measure ourselves against it and find ourselves wanting and cry out for God. That's the condition we're in and it won't change, even though the laws change. The Supreme Court can decide as it will, impersonally, but people each hurt individually. Post-abortive mothers who were told their child is just a fetus and it's perfectly legal and safe to get rid of it hurt deeply and can barely lift their eyes to God.

The law of this land may or may not match the moral order inscribed in the heart of humanity. It may not care about the pain it allows, in the name of freedom, and it does not deal out mercy for those who are affected by it. When we are alone, when we cannot hide, we need God. We can't hide behind the fronts we put up, the identities we so carefully construct for the world's sake, the webs we find ourselves tangled in and dysphoric in despite ourselves.

All of us are alone. You may marry, someone of the opposite sex, or form a now-legal union with someone of the same sex, but that doesn't change the fundamental aloneness of your being. The other person will one day die, or given the state of marriage now, leave you before then, or you may leave him or her, and then you will be alone again. This loneliness in you, and in me, also cries out for God. We cry out to be loved and not to be alone; he hears us and answers us.

We have to face it, though. If we tell ourselves there's nothing wrong, then no problem can be fixed. If we tell ourselves our deeds are good, then they cannot be forgiven. If we enshrine what pleases us into law, we will one day look around for someone not utterly broken and hurting from the unacknowledged weight of her own actions, and find that person hard to find.