Feminism Sucks

I just saw a sad story today in which the protagonist described her philosophy of feminism as "not putting up with a man's crap." I'd say this is probably a fairly accurate description of feminism in general, and specifically as the lived experience of millennial women. But it's highly problematic.

The problem is: we all have crap. We all have ego, issues, and dysfunctional forms of behavior ingrained in us since childhood. We all have the responsibility to work on these. So I don't see the point of calling out men's crap as being specifically worth rejecting. Why aren't men allowed to be flawed partners in the same way women (inevitably) are?

We all have our small, sinful forms of attachment and pointing the finger at men is doing no one any good. Feminism needs to stop. Let's call out wrong things for being wrong, not for being masculine.

News

What is the best way to read the news? A quick scan of Google News is my current method, but it seems insufficient. Should I get a subscription to the Washington Post? Grab a paper newspaper a couple times a week? Suggestions welcome!

Hiking, Goals, and Excessive Driving

This weekend I went for a hike. It was quite a nice hike, and put me in mind of Longs Peak, mainly because being Chasm Lake it started from the same trailhead.

Of course, I wanted to get to the lake. However, we got a pretty late start for alpine standards (8:40am), so I was trying to be realistic about the chances and ready to turn around should storm clouds form. I was also hiking fast.

I got very tired. It was my first hike above treeline of the year.

I had prayed a little prayer earlier in the morning, on the 1.5 hour drive over, that the weather would hold for us. And it did. We made it to the lake! It looked like this:

I was pretty happy, but also very tired. Driving back home made me even more tired.

That's really it. I am extremely goal-oriented and pushed God, my roommate (who also hiked with me), and myself to get to Chasm Lake, and we did it. I had to drive past the chasm in US-36 as well, but was unable to view it due to the highway barrier. Actually the traffic wasn't bad.

I feel like I drive too much to want to go to the mountains all the time, yet I have to go to the mountains and achieve my goals. Alpine life. Next up: Mt. Sneffles (maybe).

Process Not Perfection

I never used to think this, but unfortunately, whoever said, "It's about the process" was right.

Real vs. Perceived Time

In her guest appearance on the podcast On Being, mindfulness researcher Ellen Langer makes a startling assertion:

What matters, real or perceived time? To me, it would be perceived time.

She proceeds to use an example about sleep, that is, when a subject believes that he or she has gotten enough sleep, that belief can influence the way the person's day will proceed.

I've tried it, and she's right: what we believe about time and how we use it is a lot more flexible than we tend to imagine. Here are a few other examples (from my life, because that's what's accessible to me):

1. When I think about a task and it taking a certain amount of time, it will expand or contract to fill the time that I have decided it will take. This phenomenon explains how, senior year of college, I managed to write a philosophy paper in an hour and get an A on it.
2. This morning, as I was running on a treadmill, I decided that I could run for a mile at a certain pace--well, as I got past the 3/4 mile mark, I felt like I was barely going to make it. However, I'm pretty certain that if I had made myself run 2 miles at that pace I could probably have done it; my mind was convinced that the 1 mile was all I had in me. I'm going to test the 2-mile hypothesis out on Friday.
3. What about the well-documented experience of calling an old friend and it feeling like no time has passed since you last saw her? Or (as I did this year) going to your college homecoming and just picking up with friends seamlessly. Thinking long and hard, no pun intended, about exactly how long it has been since you've seen someone can make it feel a bit daunting to reconnect, while leaving the question of time aside can make the experience easy and natural.

You can probably think of more applications to this principle (the flexibility of perceived time). The point is, you're in control of how you perceive time and how you internalize your beliefs about the speed that something is occurring or the length of time it may take. You can make it easier on yourself by shifting your mindset about time and how it affects you.

New Year's Resolutions I'm Making for You

Diet/Lifestyle

• Eat 1 or more green vegetables . . . a year
• Travel more and take fewer selfies
• Drink 200% more water than you currently do (32 oz water bottle is your friend)
• Make banana bread

Physical Appearance

• Buy new clothes that actually fit you
• Smile more
• Get rid of that awful facial hair (men)
• OR
• Grow out your too-short hair (women)

Social Media

• Post fewer photographs of your children on social media
• Stop posting YouTube videos longer than 5 minutes on social media
• Stop stalking your ex on social media

Relationships

• Stop running
• AND/OR
• Stop holding on

Spirituality

• Pray 1 or more prayers for my soul . . . a day
• Write to your friend who is in religious life
• Start listening to the Catholic Stuff You Should Know podcast

Thoughts on Highway Driving

Note: This post may contain strong pro-Texas statements; if for some reason you cannot stomach these, you may not want to read further.

Having completed a full week (five business days) of the longest commute of my life, I am now ready to give you my thoughts on highway driving in general, as well as on I-25 between Denver and Fort Collins specifically. I can't promise my thoughts are in any way fully formed or well-organized, but I definitely have them. I also have prayers, prayers to my guardian angel to keep me safe out there!

First, let me address by far the most frustrating occurrence on any highway in any place: slow drivers in the left lane. I have had to come to terms with this phenomenon and to start to look at root causes and possible solutions. Unfortunately, the root cause is the most dangerous facet of my commute and what makes me take it deathly seriously: lackadaisical driving or lack of awareness of what you are doing when you are on the road.

I was raised to be very aware of what I'm doing on the road, especially when I'm going 60, 70, or 80+ mph on the highway, and in fact for Texan drivers this is the norm. You know where you are and where other drivers are on the road. You see cars approaching in your rearview mirror and, crucially, you move over to let them pass you since their speed exceeds your own. This may be why native Texan drivers are among the most courteous, because we know we're all trying to get somewhere and have different vehicular abilities with which to do so (I'm thinking the old beaten down pickups and tractors common on two-lane highways in Texas and elsewhere).

good traffic conditions on I-25 N approaching FoCo

So how does it happen so often that someone can be completely obstructing the flow of traffic in the left lane, actually going slower than folks in the right lane? I think either the person doesn't know--I have, to my shock, met people who have no idea that the left lane is meant to be a passing lane, a huge failure of driving education from whatever state they're from (clearly not Texas)--or has allowed himself to become complacent and lose his awareness as to the fact that he is driving and is not the only one on the road.

I'll be honest, I have actually been guilty of this within the past week: I got in the left lane to pass, the speed of the traffic changed so that both lanes were going slow, and then all of a sudden I found myself getting passed by people in the right lane. At that point, I did notice and move back over to the right lane, but I should have been more proactive about it.

And that gets to another great point about highway driving: anticipation. If you have any significant commute, or indeed are driving at all, you need to learn the skill of anticipation. What this means is being able to predict traffic conditions in front of you as they are developing or emerging. I find myself scoping out brake lights far ahead of me on I-25, examining the type of vehicles ahead of me in each lane and their respective speeds (yes, big trucks typically are slower than the traffic but not always!), noticing cars entering the highway, etc. This skill allows me to remain safe and to stay at a constant speed as much as possible.

Oh, a constant speed. If only. Another key component of my driver's education in Texas was how to use cruise control effectively and safely. Is cruise control a foreign concept in the Denver metro area? Traffic would go so much more smoothly if, cruise control or not, people were able to maintain a constant speed. To do this, drivers would have to move over if their speed was slower than the cruising speed of those behind them, temporarily slowing their own cruising speed, but in turn to pass others going more slowly. They would have to anticipate and to be courteous. I don't know why this is so difficult here, but it is. I can rarely if ever maintain the speed I want, so I usually just settle for going as fast as I can to bring my overall average up.

Maybe I'll do a follow-up post, this is probably enough for now, because I'm still sifting and processing the driving habits here as I experience a hundred miles a day. I will say it gets better the closer I get to Fort Collins; maybe people up there learned the highway driving techniques I learned in Texas, since it is more rural. Snow or other weather is a whole other issue I will have to address.

For now, if you take anything away from this post, let it be this: if you are in the left lane on the highway and people are passing you in the right lane, please move over as soon as is safely possible. Also, it's the law. Drive safely, friends!

Bleeding

Do you approach a relationship situation the same way you do a hemorrhage? If so, please note: the solution here is not to apply constant pressure.

Phrases

I haven't posted in quite a while, but recently I've been having these thoughts (inspirations?) which have proven valuable for me. Basically, they are simple phrases that come into my mind and lend my life focus and direction for a time. I want to chronicle these in the hopes they may be useful to others too.

Here are the phrases I have received so far:

I have everything I need.

This statement counteracts not only my tendency to online shop (documented elsewhere in this blog) but also my tendency to dissatisfaction and discontentedness. Really, I am one blessed girl and I have never known want. I continue to want for nothing; everything I need is provided to me.

Purposely give up control.

This one cuts rather to the core of my long-standing habits. After all, who doesn't want control? To purposely give it up implies that there is good in not having control, good in releasing it to another. In any case where I must give up control, I must give it to God--otherwise, it doesn't make sense.

Relax and just be yourself.

I'm still unpacking this one. So far, it seems to tie in to discovering who I am, not just at the moment, but who I am at my core, my best self. To relax and just be is no easy directive.

Uneasy

I have this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anxiety, I'm told it's called. I guess one thing is learning to live with this feeling. Just sitting with it, not doing anything.


Another thing is sticking up for myself. I'm a good person and I matter! What I think matters too. Rewind till I find the thing that bothered me in the first place and address that. Get angry if I need to.


The third thing is to pray. If I don't believe that I will receive what I pray for, what's the point? Prayer and belief go hand in hand. "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?" I don't necessarily have a stone, though it may look like one.


Bonus thing: writing helps. I have my notebooks, my pens. In my room is a treasure chest full of writing implements, in fact.

4 Infallible Keys to a Perfect Relationship

In keeping with my time-honored tradition of valuable relationship advice, I bring you the secrets to a successful relationship. Everyone needs them, after all!

1. Stop fighting. You know those knock-down, drag-out, emotionally exhausting fights you keep having every so often (i.e. weekly)? Stop doing that. Also, don't "fight," which is like a fight except for it has quotation marks; you know why.
2. Eat meals together. Studies have shown that it's easier to be contented after a full meal, especially one that your significant other pays for--so don't be too hasty about reaching for that check!
3. Physical contact. No, the usual hugging, kissing, unprintable, etc. doesn't cut it here. I suggest martial arts or dancing, preferably both. At the same time.
4. Laugh with your partner! This is a good opportunity to set aside social norms and societal conventions: laugh inappropriately. The best kind of laughter is either at an inappropriate time, place, or level of volume. Use your best judgment but your entire relationship is basically on the line.

Any more suggestions from my readers? Include in the comments. If you have a burning question, ask your doctor.

The Surprising Onslaught of Dishonorable Behavior with Regard to Dating

After a recent event, I was having a conversation with a friend about how I have a tendency to sprinkle the words "my boyfriend" into conversation with other men, in order to give them a correct impression of my availability.

"You know," she said, "Some men will hear that and think, 'Challenge accepted!'" Sure enough, the next day, I received an email from a man I had danced with once during the event, asking if we could go dancing again.

This kind of behavior leaves me completely puzzled.

Since this occurrence happened within my Catholic circles, I can't really excuse it by any apparent lack of clarity in the statement, "I'm dating someone." If there isn't, there really ought to be, a shared understanding of what that means--particularly in this day and age when the general culture is so reluctant to name any kind of relationship as a "thing."

Also, I just can't imagine actively seeking out someone who has made it known that she or he is in a relationship with somebody else! It's not the first time this has happened to me, but I've never understood it. Are you trying to test my loyalty? If so, do you want me to fail the test?

In a conversation with a different friend, we discussed the phenomenon of infidelity in marriage: in real life, as opposed to in Nicholas Sparks novels, it never leads to a happy ending. As my friend put it, if you make the choice to cheat, you're lowering your standards to the kind of person who wants you to be a cheater. You're basically saying, "I want someone who is willing to put morals aside for the sake of emotional satisfaction."

It's not particularly surprising in the broader culture, I suppose, but to me it is surprising to find that approach to fidelity among Catholic friends and acquaintances. We're meant to be set apart, to be an example for others, not to tempt others to flakiness and lack of resolution, not to mention sinful behavior.

Though dating is by no means the same thing as marriage, we should support our friends who are seeking to discern through their dating relationships, just as we should support our friends discerning religious life or priesthood: rather than seeking to tempt them away from the path they have chosen, we should seek to confirm them and shelter them so that they may be free to answer God's call in their lives.

Longs Peak

Yesterday, I and a couple of friends scaled Longs Peak. Since then, many people have asked me, "How was it?" I haven't figured out a good answer to this question.

There are many things I could say, but the best way to sum it up is this: I lost my sandwich.

When I woke up yesterday at the bright and early hour of 12:15 a.m., I made myself one of the most delicious sandwiches I've ever made for a 14er hike. It was sharp cheddar cheese, cream cheese, a little butter, and some spring greens all on some crusty asiago cheese bread. Yum.

Little did I know that when I got to the summit, I would not have the appetite to eat my most wonderful sandwich. That hasn't happened before. I ate a few bites, but that was all I could manage.

Later on, descending the trail/sheer rocky face of the mountain, I tried eating some more. I think I ate about half of it or maybe a little more in all. I thought I might be able to have some later.

After what seemed like an eternity (really only fourteen hours), we got back to the trailhead. I have never been so glad to see a parking lot in my life. I reached into my pack to find the large Ziploc bag with sandwich in it, but it was gone. I had left it behind somewhere on the trail.

I guess you could say that I had an unprecedented experience yesterday: I failed to pack out my trash and wasted almost half of a perfectly good sandwich. My lack of awareness that I was doing these things says it all.

To close, here's a picture of me on the summit of Longs:

The Disingenuous Nature of Proclaiming How Happy You Are Being Single

If I read another article about how wonderful it is to dine alone, I think I'm going to puke my Chipotle burrito.

Basically, I have come to loathe any and all articles saying how great it is to be single, how you shouldn't wait to find a partner in order to have a good time, how you should buy your own fine china instead of imagining your wedding registry, how blessed you are to be unencumbered by babies, etc. The thing about these articles is that they all have important kernels of truth and are accompanied by generous helpings of self-satisfaction: live the life you have, not the one you wish you had! Seize the moment! Go buy things and take selfies!

On the other hand, they're all bullshit.

The reason this is so is because partial truth is more subtle than outright lies. In fact, there are lots of "perks" to being single. However, there is no perk so great that the ultimate unhappiness of being unmarried and without a family of your own is overcome. What I'm saying is: you're all unhappy, so just admit it.

I, for one, have given up thinking that there's something wrong with me just because at times I feel completely miserable about being single. I think this is normal, and its very normalcy is comforting. It's natural to want to have a family of your own, instead of live in a rented house, no matter how adorable, with a roommate who, though fabulous, will never substitute for a significant other.

It's completely understandable to come home from a beautiful experience of nature or an amazingly fun party with friends and feel SO VERY ALONE. It's understandable to feel alone, because you are alone.

And that's what I think our culture doesn't get anymore: objective truth is way more comforting than a bunch of touchy-feely nonsense designed to make you feel better for the moment. Sometimes, like in Inside Out, the truth is that you're sad. The truth is that it's okay to be sad.

So yeah, embrace the upsides of your single life. Don't mope. That much is obvious. But please, PLEASE don't tell me how wonderful it is to be single, how you're not waiting to get married, how you're not looking around seeing if there's anyone you can date who might even remotely work as a potential spouse.

I just don't believe you.

Repurpose Your Social Media

Having recently joined a fairly prominent dating website, I can't help but think what I usually think when I have buyer's remorse: "Why did I pay for something that I could get for free?"

In fact, what am I doing on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, etc. (assuming I'm on any of these--except you all know I'm on the first one) if I'm not using them to my advantage, dating-wise?

After all, what is a dating site but a site where you make random connections with people, send them "smiles" or other basically affirming messages designed to give the other person the knowledge that, in fact, you think of them as a human being that you might actually spend time with, at least in theory?

Why not use social media for that? It's all there, at your fingertips: the ability to "like" someone's posts or pictures, send them public or private messages, comment on relevant details to their lives (at least their lives as displayed online), etc.

You could even ask someone out. It's a daring concept, I know.

Still, what do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing, because it's completely free! It's like going running, something you probably should be doing anyway, costs nothing, and basically you just need to go do it. (And some people hate running, so maybe the metaphor extends in ways that I haven't fully explored.)

I think that's all I've got for now. Carry on!

Are you being entertained?

Life is not boring. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Actually, that's true. We are constantly bombarded with media that stimulate our senses and cause us to think that the normal, slow pace of life is "boring" rather than rich with possibility. Since we cannot wait for the next exciting or amusing thing, we rush to find something to entertain us.

Sometimes when I find myself antsy, dissatisfied, apathetic, etc., I ask myself this simple question: are you being entertained? This question helps me refocus and laugh at myself. What is the purpose of my life anyway? Are the people around me brought to me for entertainment's sake? Is the work I do meant to amuse me and help me while away the hours until I die?

No!

Life has a much greater purpose than the passive, ambition-killing notion of "being entertained." I need to remember it and focus on it, rather than letting acedia have free reign in me.

Homophobia

You say that I trample upon your rights, and that I do it because I am homophobic. My ideas of right and wrong are no more than an invention designed to justify my interior repulsion either to you or to the acts with which you identify most.

Let's say, for a moment, that you're right. Let's leave aside thousands of years of intellectual tradition and say that the idea of an objective moral order is something I adopted simply to be able to say to you that I don't like your way of life. Why would I do it?

Why would I even bother to challenge you not to do something so clearly desirable to you? Out of some kind of ingrained mean-spiritedness? If each of our lives is only an attempt to make us happy in the present moment, what kind of sick happiness am I deriving out of this situation?

Is it because I'm just that disgusted? My life is apparently ruled by disgust. I want to go on the record and say that the idea that I am somehow motivated by disgust at the kind of sexual acts you do presupposes that I both take an interest in and actively imagine them--which I most certainly do not.

Why would I pick this moment to speak up, this moment after the Supreme Court of the United States has already answered in your favor? Just to go on record as being bigoted? Not very smart, if you know the history of bigotry and prejudice.

Shouldn't I be motivated by self-interest and self-preservation? If I'm aiming at making my life the smoothest, easiest, and most conflict-free possible, shouldn't I keep my mouth shut about this issue? It's already been decided anyway in the courts. What's the point of, once again, bringing religion into it when it's not wanted?

The point is that it's not about me, and it's not about you. The truth is very personal, but at the same time it convicts each of us equally of wrongdoing. I have done wrong in my life, committed deeds that I looked back upon with shame. This truth is personal. The wrong things I have done, however, have been done by others--and regretted by them. That is the objective side of it, the human law that is greater than any pronouncement of the Supreme Court.

The epilogue that I most want to add, and that everyone least wants to hear, is that forgiveness for the wrong things we do is REAL. Love is real. In fact, we can only find love when we face up to the truth, when we seek forgiveness for whatever acts we committed that cause us shame, admitting them but at the same time not letting them define us.

We all need forgiveness. There's no earthly exception to this rule. We need mercy, God's mercy, so desperately that we fear it is a fairy tale designed to tease us, something so bright and sparkly that people can only imagine it is real not actually receive it as a gift. It's real. At the core of reality is a love so deep that it chases us, he chases us, even into our darkest moments.

That's what I want for you--and what I want for myself. If I stand up for right and wrong, for an objective morality, it's so that all of us can measure ourselves against it and find ourselves wanting and cry out for God. That's the condition we're in and it won't change, even though the laws change. The Supreme Court can decide as it will, impersonally, but people each hurt individually. Post-abortive mothers who were told their child is just a fetus and it's perfectly legal and safe to get rid of it hurt deeply and can barely lift their eyes to God.

The law of this land may or may not match the moral order inscribed in the heart of humanity. It may not care about the pain it allows, in the name of freedom, and it does not deal out mercy for those who are affected by it. When we are alone, when we cannot hide, we need God. We can't hide behind the fronts we put up, the identities we so carefully construct for the world's sake, the webs we find ourselves tangled in and dysphoric in despite ourselves.

All of us are alone. You may marry, someone of the opposite sex, or form a now-legal union with someone of the same sex, but that doesn't change the fundamental aloneness of your being. The other person will one day die, or given the state of marriage now, leave you before then, or you may leave him or her, and then you will be alone again. This loneliness in you, and in me, also cries out for God. We cry out to be loved and not to be alone; he hears us and answers us.

We have to face it, though. If we tell ourselves there's nothing wrong, then no problem can be fixed. If we tell ourselves our deeds are good, then they cannot be forgiven. If we enshrine what pleases us into law, we will one day look around for someone not utterly broken and hurting from the unacknowledged weight of her own actions, and find that person hard to find.

The Dad Bod: My Take

I don't know if you've heard of this phenomenon called the "Dad Bod," but I've seen it pop up lately in various circles so it's probably time that I weigh in, no pun intended.

Basically, it seems that some women think that guys who have let the beer get the best of their bellies, so to speak, are attractive.  Women finding men attractive isn't really a finding, but I guess the groundbreaking discovery is that men don't have to have perfectly chiseled bodies for women to find them attractive.

I believe that the reverse is also true: women do not have to have perfectly sculpted, toned bodies in order for men to find them attractive.

Some women have a few extra pounds, love handles, cellulite, stretch marks, etc., but some men still think they are desirable.  Likewise, some men have "dad bods"; some women find them attractive too.

So a lot of men find a lot of women attractive, and a lot of women find a lot of men attractive!

Some don't. Some men work out like it's their job and find it insulting to believe that women find ordinary guys who spend their time on other pursuits and maybe aren't blessed with the best metabolism good-looking.  Some women fat-shame other women--these women should stop.

In conclusion, I think we've learned a lot of important truths here, though it's hard to summarize exactly what these are.  You know what they are.  And that's what matters.

Quarter-Zip

One thing I don't understand is quarter-zip pullover fleeces.  Why not just get a full-zip?  All my best fleece jackets are full-zip.  What is the point of paying top dollar if it won't even zip all the way?  The only quarter-zip fleece I have now is one that I got so cheap at Old Navy, and even so I don't wear it.  It is black and white and has a houndstooth pattern.  I like my teal Patagonia R2 jacket waayyyyy better.  And I just got a Mountain Hardwear dark purple MicroChill jacket, which is pretty sweet.  Shop the sales.  Get full-zip.

Gossip

“I have a gossip problem. I stir the pot. I'm a pot-stirrer.” - Shirley, Community

It's easy to have a fairly narrow definition of gossip, such that the behaviors you typically engage in fall outside it. For example, if your definition of gossip is "talking badly about someone else," then as long as you don't say anything outright malicious about another person, it's not gossip. Right?

On the other hand, taking a more broad view, why talk about someone else at all?  To praise her virtue?  To make fun of him?  To provide helpful advice to someone in dealing with the other person?  Motivation definitely matters, and it's important to stop and think before you take someone's name in vain.

What if you're not saying anything specifically about the other person, but just passing along news about what the person said, did, implied, incited, etc.?  You're just passing it along, to keep everyone informed, and isn't that a good thing?

No.

No, actually it's not a good thing if what you are really doing is stirring the pot.

I work in a high school, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone, students, teachers, administration, cut out two things from their conversation, and gossip is one of them.

Do you ever have a conversation with someone who incessantly talks about other people, and you just wonder, "What is this person saying about me when I am not around?"  Yeah.  That's the kind of person you end up avoiding.  Don't be that person.