Who Am I?

Don't we identify mostly with our weaknesses?  I think this is much more subtle than we expect.  We constantly take personality tests and all too easily take their results as gospel.  We develop a fixed mindset about ourselves and our personalities.

Am I extroverted?  That must mean I get a pass for shallow thinking, not making time for meditation/prayer, speaking before I think, being careless, etc.  Am I introverted?  That means it's okay for me not to reach out to others, to spend undue time worrying rather than trusting, to focus too much on myself, etc.  Even these are generalizations.  We all have our particular weaknesses--but these weaknesses are not an ingrained part of our nature!

In fact, we are called to overcome weaknesses, especially the most impossible ones.  The hardest things for us to do are the ones we absolutely must do, but this can only happen with God's grace.  He wants to bring us to the point where we are ready to crack, where we can't bear any more, on a natural level, so that He can lift us up with His Spirit.  He says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

That is how we should see ourselves, not as weak, sinful humans crystallized with our least-overcomeable traits, but as completely empty anyway.  We are vessels of grace and what we can or can't do on our own is basically irrelevant.  Even the achievements we are most proud of we would never have done without God.  Neither will we be able to accomplish the hard things that we don't want to do without His help.

Sometimes Life Is Like This

Things that happened yesterday:

• Crisp fall air.  The best-hearted group of kids running their hearts out on an exhilaratingly beautiful course.
• Candles, Jesus lifted up, children fussing in the back of the church.
• Finding my way to places without using my smart phone, because it ran out of batteries; no problem.
• Frankie Manning.  He always worms his way into one's day somehow, doesn't he?  Always be ready to swing out.
• A puzzle case with $150 dollars in it.
• Getting back a most-prized, engraved glass stein, only to find it perfectly clear and gleaming.

Things I felt today:

• Caffeine-induced loquaciousness.
• Awkward realization that lunchtime conversation is a lost cause.
• Overwhelmed with ideas for professional things to do.
• Peckish.
• Joyful recognition when I met friends.
• Sinking feeling in the stomach, one to battle, on a too-long drive.
• Relatively normal sense of loneliness.
• Relief when I remembered the ready-made Indian food I had in the cupboard.

4 Reasons a Date Is Just a Date

In my last post, I offered unsolicited advice to men on why and how they should ask women out on dates.  In return, I received feedback that guys are reluctant to ask because they are afraid their intentions will be misconstrued: in fact, they think some women place too much significance on a single date and they don't want to raise false expectations by directly asking for one.

Though I encourage men to reflect on how much of this line of thinking is an excuse versus a reason, at the same time women have to be accountable for our side of the equation.  If we want to have a shared understanding of the dating world, we need to get one thing clear: a date is just a date.  To that end, I have put a short list together of reasons why for the ladies:

1. You Don't Know Him
Except in the rare case in which the man who asks you out is your best friend whom you have known since childhood, you still have a lot to learn about the guy across the dinner table.  A date is simply a structured opportunity to get to know someone better.  Ladies often, and naturally, have dates with each other--and the point of these is not to pressure your acquaintance into becoming your very best friend!  Instead, the purpose is to share thoughts and feelings, to discuss past experiences and future hopes, and generally to get a glimpse into the other's worldview.  The same is true for dates with men.

2. You're Not the Only Girl He Likes
If you've gotten asked out, it's fair to assume the guy likes you.  There is no reason, however, to assume you're the only girl he likes or even the only one he's going on a date with in a given week.  In fact, that's as it should be.  He doesn't know enough about you to decide if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you yet--that's the whole point of dating.  Another thing to keep in mind is that he may or may not be ready to be in an exclusive relationship; you don't know that yet either.

3. He Needs to Earn Your Trust
A big reason not to over-commit early in the dating process is that you're still developing trust in this person.  You need to see how he reacts in different situations over a period of time in order to build that trust, which will be the foundation of any relationship between the two of you.  Your heart needs to stay your own until you have reasonable confidence that he both desires and is worthy of your trust.

4. All He Wants Is a Date
You have to take a man at his word when he asks you out that, actually, all he is asking for is to go out with you.  If he was asking you to marry him, saying, "Will you go out on a date with me Friday night?" would be a very poor choice of words.  Given that all he has committed to is a date, it's up to you to determine the level of physical affection you feel comfortable with, keeping in mind that too much affection too soon can often hinder rather than help you get to know the other person.

I hope my list wasn't disappointingly obvious, but even I can use the reminder at times.  It's very natural for both men and women to get excited about romance and courtship, which is all the more reason to ground ourselves in some social conventions here.  Dating may not be the perfect model, but it can certainly be a practical one.

Asking for That Date

As I covered last month, I love men.  Keep being awesome, guys.  Nevertheless, much as I enjoy the viewpoints of my male friends, I will never cease to give them a hard time about one specific issue: when they don't know whether something is a date.

If you don't know whether something is a date, that means that you have chosen to leave it vague or subject to interpretation.  In some way, however minor, you have failed to state your intentions clearly and you're going into this "one-on-one meeting" without a game plan.

I like game plans.  Most women, in fact, appreciate decisiveness and forethought in men.  A feminine woman will not do the work for you in defining the situation--and why should she?  If she means enough to you, you will step up and make something happen, date-wise.  The longer you don't, the more she will assume you're not really that interested and move on.

Here are some rules of thumb about asking a girl out on a date: you should ask three to four days in advance, you should ask either in person or on the phone, and you should have a specific plan in mind.  When it comes to wording, you should be clear and direct.  Though it seems obvious enough that it's a date when you say something like, "I'd like to take you out for dinner," on the other hand you lose nothing by saying something like the following: "I'd like to take you out on a date.  Are you free for dinner on Saturday?"  This wording leaves no ambiguity.

I would like to say a word about rejection.  Yes, if you ask for dates as straightforwardly as I outline, you risk receiving a "no" in response.  So what?  I believe in you, and I believe that a "no," particularly for a first date, is not going to crush your masculine psyche.  It's not going to feel great, sure, but ultimately it's a calculated risk.  If you take no risks in life, you will reap no rewards.

This post is perhaps one of the most obvious posts I have ever written, but it needed to be said--not just because it benefits me, but because it benefits all single men and women.  There is enough ambiguity in life without extending it to the dating realm.  Let's be clear with each other.

Feminism, Femininity, and the Chapel Veil

In her recent speech on "feminism," Emma Watson noted that it has become something of a dirty or "uncomfortable" word, both to women and to men.  I recall Sheryl Sandberg making a similar point towards the beginning of Lean In.  Why might it be that women hesitate to identify themselves as feminists?

It can't be simply the angry, militant, "man-hating" feminists of times past tarnishing the image of feminism in the modern world: today's millennials weren't alive to witness 1970s feminism and the current culture is notoriously history-deaf.  Instead, the problem lies with the aims of feminism--not radical feminism but ordinary, everyday feminism--itself.

Watson proclaims in her speech that all feminism strives for is equality.  We must believe, in order to be good feminists, that absolute equality between men and women is possible.  Yet, though no one with a sane mind questions that men and women are both human persons with equal dignity, it's just as obvious that men and women are not exactly the same.  One reason many are unwilling to march under the banner of feminism is that the idea of eradicating all gender differences is not seen as plausible, much less desirable.

One other problem with feminism I see is that it gives women complete control over the sphere termed "reproductive rights."  If, in fact, an unborn child were an integral part of a woman's body, this control would make sense--no one other than a woman herself should be able to dispose of or affect her body in any way. Indeed, her body, the body of a woman, should be seen as sacred and treated with reverence, never violence.  

Nevertheless, a child, no matter how nascent, is not part of a woman's body and does not fall under her "right to choose." This child has both a mother and a father, who are both responsible for its care and well-being; even if the father chooses to abdicate his responsibility, the child does not thereby become the sole "property" of the mother, for a human person cannot be property at all.  That any human person cannot be property seems inherent in the foundations of feminism, yet unfortunately the axiom is ignored in practice and in the common aims of the feminist movement.

On the other hand, while "feminism" might be seen as unattractive, the word "femininity" is often seen as oppressive.  In fact, in certain communities, a warped and "cookie-cutter" idea of femininity can develop, such that any girl or woman who falls outside the mold feels a great sense of alienation and even ostracization.  In its best sense, however, femininity is a concept that embraces the unique gifts that women have to offer, without placing limitations on their achievements.  Femininity ought to be the healthy counterpart to feminism, not seeking to eliminate all differences between the sexes but rather embracing these differences wherever and whenever they pertain; femininity is the movement that allows a woman to feel happy simply being a woman, rather than seeking happiness in a self-concept that allows for no difference between men and women.

How does the chapel veil come into this discussion?  Veiling relates directly to femininity, to the idea that a woman is special and set-apart, and to the idea of reverence.  As a tradition and devotion, the chapel veil or mantilla is worn by a woman in the presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament--in the presence of the Holy of Holies, she covers her head.  Though it is a sign of reverence to God, the veil is also a reminder of the special reverence that should be paid to women. After all, it was a woman, Mary, who bore Jesus in her womb, making her a living tabernacle and a sign of God's presence to all the ages.  Thus, the veil is both a devotion, an aid to prayer, and a visible sign of femininity in the church.

We find ourselves back in a very uncomfortable place, though, because, though we might reject feminism for its goal of absolute, unqualified equality, we still might not like the idea of femininity enough to wear a doily on our head in support of it.  (Or we might not believe in God at all, which is another matter.)  The point is not the chapel veil itself--a beautiful, yet optional tradition--but whether women are happy being "just" women.  Though we might recognize the roots, biological and otherwise, of the very real differences between men and women, we might not have made our peace with these differences enough to be content with them.  Nevertheless, the point of femininity is not that men should do certain things and women should do certain other things.  The point is that being a woman is enough.

UPDATE--I just found this lovely video about the chapel veil:
 

Harvesttime

What we planted in the spring,
What began to sprout with hope,
We failed to water.

What withered in the summer,
Was by us in the dog days,
Totally uprooted.

Now how can we look back,
Upon our little shoot,
And wish for harvest?

We destroyed what we planted,
We killed what we hoped for,
So no fruit is ours.

Being Alone

I've stumbled upon another paradox of life!  Here it goes . . .

Are we ever truly alone?  No, never, we have been created in the image and likeness of God and He sustains us in existence at every moment, never leaving us by ourselves; as Psalm 139 declaims, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there." Additionally, we each have a guardian angel sent by God to protect us, as well as the intercession of the saints, especially our Blessed Mother.  Yet . . .

Is it important that we feel alone? Yes!  Without the experience of loneliness and desolation, we forget to turn to God.  We forget to look for Him, because we fool ourselves into thinking we don't need Him.  We have friends; we have family; we have all these people, things, sound, and excitement around us.  So how do we experience that feeling of being alone? We have to shut off our phones, our social media, our music-playing devices and embrace solitude and silence. We have to be by ourselves, even though, ultimately, we're not by ourselves.

I'm not saying I'm good at it.  I'm saying it's important.